was of course, what i meant to say

but i think it may be rooted in some deeper blindness and broken images we’ve created for ourselves. dreams of being great for God shattered for the moment. beliefs of who we are suddenly revealed as fantasies. putting much of ourselves in certain people we thought would always be there. even a torn idea of a good world and a garden of eden that we’ve suddenly been cast out of. and then there’s doubt in God’s ability to use me, suddenly thinking, i can’t walk on water. yes, jesus can, but can he use me to do so? the sea is so big…and the winds are so strong. and i am just a weak weak little girl.

and what do we do? sleep. sleep from sorrow, like the disciples at gethsemane. television, videogames, work – whatever postpones dealing with the issue at hand, because the body is weak even if the spirit is willing.

i won’t go into detail now regarding why this issue has become a sudden interest, and i don’t know what you’ve discussed, but for whatever reason, i just wanted to jot down some thoughts.

something that has stuck with me on the issue of suffering came from a professor who gave a series on talking about jesus. in one session, (and in a very similar article) he said: “When a person asks, “What about God and evil?” I usually ask, “What kind of evil do you have in mind?” I ask this question, because I want to know what kind of question the person is asking. I want to know, especially, if he is thinking of evil in general or if he is dealing with and struggling to understand some particular experience with evil. So I ask, “What kind of evil do you have in mind?”" the responses to these two questions are drastically different. one is a philosophical question, the other is existential.

a lot of the times we’re asking for the latter. the issue then becomes whether God is able or willing to help. and in the story of the leper who comes to jesus and says, “if you are willing, you can make me clean” we find some semblance of an answer. how does Jesus respond? he says i am willing and touches the leper. the kicker is jesus doesn’t heal the man and then touch him. he touches the man while the leper was still unclean, and only then does he heal him. “He reaches across barriers, and he touches those who are untouchable. He entered our world with all its joys and sorrows and he showed us that God is real and his presence is available to all who call upon him…In fact, God entered human history to solve the problem of suffering.” We now have the means to overcome suffering around and in us. That’s huge. When I’m suffering, my biggest wonder is when will this end? Will it end? There must be the hope that it will.

“Our hearts are still broken and we still ask the question, “Why?” The Christian response is not an answer to that question, so much as an encounter with the one who enters our suffering and bears it for us and through us.”

and finally, for some reason, when i’m suffering i just want to go home. not chicago home, not even college home – but perhaps moments of rest and peace they represent. nostalgia for something hoped for. most likely, heaven. and that’s why i put up the link for the jeremy camp song. it’s on repeat on my itunes. perhaps our suffering now will allow us to experience heaven in that much more glory.

“They admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead they were longing for a better country – a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.” (a holiday at the sea)

God has prepared a city for us. the trouble is not that we yearn and dream too big, but rather that we dream too small. we cannot see the greatness in store for us in God’s plan.

“Meanwhile the cross comes before the
crown and tomorrow is a Monday
morning.” ( the weight of glory, cs lewis)

and everyone around us is most beloved by God.

i just pray that we do become blind to the fact that everything, all eternity, has been woven in the beautiful tapestry of God’s plan – and the suffering we experience now is part of an amazing plan beyond time- something Jesus reminded his disciples as they came back from the cross, their hopes shattered. Is there meaning to suffering? Yes, but only through God’s grace, not from any good that we can do.

and these questions and desires and cries, as a friend reminded me, are all things God wants to hear from us, as honest and raw as they and we are. and thru all these, God challenges our conceptions of how much He loves us time and time again.

there will be a day